Stars
by Nayru Elric
Summary: Gon and Killua gaze at the night sky together, dreaming about the things they could have been. KilluGon.
**Summary:** Gon and Killua gaze at the night sky together, dreaming about the things they could have been.

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 **Stars**

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Galaxies glitter up above in the fading light, fragments of swirling colors and a myriad of stars.

The two boys ogle quietly at the wonder of the scene, lying beneath a fire on a vista of Whale Island, content with their current positions in life. Gon is going to search for his dad. Killua had no idea what he was going to do, to which Gon suggested that they stick together until Killua finds out. Killua knows he'll be all right as long as he stays with Gon.

Killua hasn't admitted it to himself yet, but he's always happy when he's around Gon.

The world could end and everyone else could die, but as long as Gon is all right, Killua will be too. Could the opposite be possible?

Killua likes to think yes, it is.

But... Gon has not explicitly returned his feelings.

It's only friendship then, isn't it?

Killua knows deep down in his heart of hearts that Gon will never return his feelings, at least not in the same way. He knows that Gon will never be ready for the kind of love Killua needs and deserves... but Killua can only foolishly hope.

Because Gon is all he has...

...Or so he thought.

"Strange, isn't it?"

Killua looks over, aqua eyes shining in the fire's light, arms crossed beneath his head. Gon is laying right beside him, inches away. "What's strange?"

"All those little lights..." says Gon, his mouth barely moving. He watches the sky with a crease in his brow, slight edge to his voice. He always looks like this when he's thinking hard about something.

Killua laughs a little. "What? You mean the stars?"

Gon turns his body toward Killua, still with that serious expression that takes Killua by surprise. "Killua, just think... Each of those stars is its own sun, right?"

"Yeah...?"

"Then..." Those amber eyes break contact with his as Gon glances back at the sky, gesturing to the heavenly mosaic of stellar nebulae, stars, and galaxies. "Any one of those stars could have a world as vast as ours orbiting around it. There could be other people on them, maybe thousands or millions of others, just like our world."

Gon always does this – gets struck by an idea and it always takes him over until he can't help but tell Killua about it. "So what's your point?" inquires Killua.

"We can see them, but we're too far away to even get close to touching them..." says Gon, trailing off. "Don't you think... it's kind of sad?"

Training his eyes back onto the sky, Killua inhales. He imagines exactly as Gon said, imagining there to be many, many other worlds as vast and wonderful and frightening as this one. Imagining there to be people there just like them, or completely different. What Gon said might be true, but... "Like you said, we'll never reach them, so what's the point wondering?" Killua asks, turning to face Gon.

Gon shrugs, the fire crackling behind them. "No reason... it was just a thought...

"Killua."

Again Killua looks over. Now Gon has that look of determined modesty in his eyes as they lay side by side. "I'm glad we became friends."

Killua's cheeks flush red. "Idiot, why do you always have to say things like that and ruin the –?!"

Gon lurches forward and wraps his arms around Killua's chest, who jerks up in surprise. "H-hey, what're you –?!"

"Killua, I don't want you to leave me!" Gon whines. "Not ever!"

"Where's this coming from all of a sudden?!" the assassin sputters, blushing madly, unsure how to react with his best friend clinging onto him as if it's the last thing he'll ever do.

Gon's arms release Killua and he sits up on both hands, eyes poring deeply into Killua's, which only makes him blush harder. "But you did leave me, didn't you?! For your sister Alluka?!" Killua gulps, watching as Gon turns away for a moment, his voice trembling. "I thought we had something... something special! We promised, right here, that we wouldn't leave each other, no matter what...!" His eyes are on Killua again now, reflecting the firelight with his tears. "What happened?! Killuaaa!"

"I –" Killua takes in Gon's tear-stained cheeks and finds that he must look away.

"Say something, Killua!"

"I had to leave..." he mutters, white bangs covering his eyes.

Gon sniffles, leans closer. He didn't hear what Killua said. "What?"

"I had to leave!" says Killua louder this time, blue eyes full of anguish. "I couldn't keep pretending to be everything for you when I was only just your friend!"

"But what's wrong with being 'just my friend'?!" Gon retorts, arms spreading in that welcoming way. "You're my best friend! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!"

Killua can't answer. The words shatter in his mouth at the betrayal and hurt in Gon's face. Killua's gaze falters. He can't look at him anymore. "You don't understand..."

"Understand what?!" Gon demands, arms falling, shoulders raising. "What is there to understand?!"

Killua knows, – he's tried before, – to explain what he's feeling, but Gon can't understand it. Gon can't know what it's like to be on the verge of death, on the edge of the world, believing there's nothing left for you, all to be changed by a single person.

A single act by a single person.

That was all it took.

Gon became Killua's friend, and while Killua let him, afterward, things just weren't the same...

Around Gon, Killua felt he could smile again, he could joke, he could be himself, even if it wasn't himself at all...

No, Killua was an assassin. And no matter how hard he tries to escape that fact, there's no running from it.

Before he met Gon, Killua filched, lied, and murdered on a daily basis. Leading someone like Gon into that lifestyle, expecting someone like Gon to understand the kind of loneliness he went through, the amount of care it would take to help rid him of his darkness...

It was only a simple yearning.

And that was all it was.

"We can't, Gon," says Killua.

Before Gon can retort, Killua wakes up from the dream, sleeping beside his younger sister. He lingers under the covers with her for a moment, hands running through snowy locks, before he sits up. Those aqua eyes, no longer glazed with the shine of a profound interest, turn out the window, to the blur of galaxies and shining stars above the swaying of the trees.

" _Any one of those stars could have a world as vast as ours orbiting around it. There could be other people on them, maybe thousands or millions of others, just like our world. We can see them, but we're too far away to even get close to touching them... Don't you think... it's kind of sad?"_

The more Killua thinks about it, the more he agrees... it is sad...

All the possibilities, up there among the thousands, millions, or billions of other worlds... All the places he would never know... All the people he would never meet...

...The feelings he would never feel...

 _"Like you said, we'll never reach them, so what's the point wondering?"_

Killua bows his head, eyes shifting over to the girl beside him.

Is it better to pretend to know how it feels, only for it to hit you later that you know nothing, than to never wonder at all?

Watching Alluka's peaceful, sleeping face, Killua answers, whispering quietly to himself.

"I don't know..."

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 **This is what happens when I try to write happy KilluGon. Nhg.**

 **A short and vague little one-shot that was mostly me just coping with some stuff, but** **I hope you'll leave your opinion~**


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